Dear Landlord… love, Lauren

2 days to possession

Dear Landlord,

Here’s why you’re having no luck in renting our apartment.

Rest assured, we really don’t care – and it’s no inconvenience at all to hit the beach every night while you tirelessly show the place. Still, you might want the inside scoop.

Sidenote: Vancouver’s rental market is atrocious – lovely, clever, fully employed people fight to the end to win the lease on shittier and shittier rental units because there’s such limited inventory.

So, landlord, it might shock you that you’re having trouble with this one. You’re not used to it.  It’s so unusual to have to work to win tenants – they usually fall from the sky.

The 10 reasons you can’t rent this apartment:

1. We’re all packed up. Everything that had been neatly tucked in closets and cupboards is now lining every wall in boxes stacked 4 and 5 feet high. Our small space? Just shrunk by half.
2. It’s old. The entire apartment is carpeted. This makes you look cheap. Use just half a month’s rent and score some inexpensive laminate.
3. No dishwasher. No laundry. Are you sure Canada’s not a 3rd world country?
4. The neighbours suck and the walls are paper thin.
5. We could clean the kitchen all day and night – it will still look like shit.
6. We filled it with too much Ikea.
7. We already took down our crisp, clean drum shades and light fixtures. Your shoddy, cheap crap is back in place and it looks awful.
8. It’s making the unspeakably criminal popcorn ceilings look even worse.
9. We already moved out all our plants. What was lush a few days ago is once again the stark, depressing space we inherited on a cold winter morning. It’s a bad balcony.
10. That huge note I scrawled on the bathroom mirror:

“I get to move on Friday! No more Cave Dwelling for me! Yeaaaaaa!!!!”

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Full photo credit to umjanedoan via Flickr Creative Commons