That’s my suggestion for achieving an authentic ugly baby tinge on any chosen element of house and home. Antiqued is for wimps. Go bold, grab the matches and ugly-babify.
Five months here and the mystery surprises keep popping up. A few strokes of primer and I realized our ‘white’ bedroom was actually a shade of rotting dead manatee flesh. “Maybe it used to be white, but it’s just old and dingy”. Incorrect. Mounting evidence revealed the kitchen wallpaper isn’t agéd grey – it’s post-fire.
A nice little surprise when we removed the oven. Whatever happened was decades ago – there’s no smell of smoke and nothing’s damaged. But “clean up after fire” was an option ignored and “clean thoroughly before removal” is too subjective a term. Instead, “Pack the dust bunnies but leave the soot behind”.
We gave everything a cursory Clorox the day we arrived and kept all cooking/living/I-have-to-touch-these surfaces sanitary. Though disinfected throughout, the germy ghosts of tenants past lay in fearsome wait.
As we started switching socket and switch plates… the Q-tips came out. And neither I – nor cotton bud – liked what followed. That’s the grot from one light switch.
Not the part you touch – but what was under the plate. It’s like Industrial Revolution-era Manchester saved up all their soot and grime and deathly black stuff and sent it our way.
That wasn’t even the worst part. I always thought my mum was crazy for wiping down the cupboard fronts every week. Thought she was weirder still for emptying the cupboards and washing inside them.
“But they have doors! Doors keep out the germs!”
In the spirit of full disclosure and non-stop before/after: here’s what’s not on our cupboard doors anymore.
Wiping just one cupboard door before priming was all it took to start sprinting – road runner-style towards hazmat supplies. I needed rubber gloves so thick they’d survive an acid bath. No – an alien attack. A brisk housewife in standard-issue yellow gloves? She wouldn’t stand a chance. I wanted bleach and SOS pads for Christmas and nothing else.
The state of the kitchen pipes eventually suggested what had caught fire: grease, and plenty of it. Someone Set-n-Forgot. Didn’t you have enough greasy blackness floating around from 5 major oil spills that decade? No? You wanted to make some more? The cupboards – doors, inside bits, everything – were disgusting.
A slight fascination emerged as both coping mechanism and twisted competition. Which cupboard would be the most disgusting? Could I achieve a tub of soapy water turned pitch black? (Yes). These really aren’t the things you envision prior to the actual event. House flipping sounds glamorous, rewarding and totally profitable. You pull off the whole operation in a crisp white collared shirt. Right. Right?!
But I’m white collar, I swear! This is just a filthy phase!
As for the remaining soot-lined walls. They’re going, going….
Hey, you want a s'more? Some more of what?
Sick! Excuse me, I have to go wash my cabinet doors now…
Haha, seriously! Why did no one tell us this shock-and-awful stuff years ago? Oh well, when finished, Gordon Ramsay will be able to swing by here & happily lick any surface – it will be so clean.
That’s um… wow… uhhhh. No more words.
Ok a few workds. The cabinet door above our range is sorta sticky but nothing that would turn a tub of perfectly good water (really, what did that soapy solution DO to those cabinets that was so offensive??) and turn it oil-slick black/green/death.
I could have saved it – lest I ever decided to invent my own biological weapon!
Eek! Dirt and grime from the past! I’d be replacing all the light switches and plugs too! Just so they would at least be just my germs.
On a side note, the white cupboard looks good and your painting job looks excellent from over here!
Dirt of historic proportions…bleh. Light switches – done & done! (And thoroughly coated in our germs – exclusively).
Thanks for the thumbs up on the cupboards!
I have to clean my painted cupboards every day. I always think about how you can’t see that stuff on wood cupboard doors, but it’s still there. Multiply that times forty years and you have something truly disgusting, as you well know.
Is that a Tappan stove? It looks very similar to mine, which is about to find a new home in the dump.
Yea, kinda like Miley Cyrus…. you don’t need to see the offensive item to be totally disgusted by just the thought of it. (Haha – what will Miley look in 2051?! Gross!)
What’s a Tappan? Is that a brand? I can’t remember what it was (emphasis on was – Goodwill didn’t even want it) actually…. maybe Kenmore or something generic like that? Hope yours is happy in the ever-after, it’s got company!
I’m a bit thirsty but just cant bring myself to reach for my glass of water after seeing that black dirty water euwwwwww thats so gross! Tell me you wore gloves!
Six pairs – all at once!
Hard to belive what you’ve really been living with all this time, isn’t it? Not to worry, though, soot is just good “clean” dirt, as my grandmother would say. It’sthe grease left behind which would make me brak out the hazmet suit. By the way–grease builds up terribly on open shelves without a top notch stove vent.
Can’t wait to see your transformed kitchen. It will be unrecognizable!
Made harder still because I so love denial! Thanks for the tip about open shelves — will remain vigilant to the threat!
Ok gross. I totally washed my cupboards when I moved in, but now feel the need to wash them again.
That’s disturbing about the fire! You’d think that sort of thing would be noticed in an inspection.
I’m going to put it as an iCal event: repeat: monthly, end: never. Our inspector was incredibly thorough – and the fire evidence really was just surface soot, no actual damage. Maybe they don’t feel inclined to add: “the kitchen’s really, really dirty” amongst more scientific details?
OMG! I clean the outside of my cabinets with a Clorox or Lysol scrubby wipe at least every other day. I have white painted cabinets and I want them to stay white! When I had surgery a couple of years ago I was unable to do this for 2 to 3 weeks and when I did the stuff on the scrubby wipe totally grossed me out. I cannot imagine 40 years of dirt and grime! Good job on your cabinets and good luck with the house!
I’ve joined your team now! Fully converted to the Clean Cabinet Club: OCD division. If the paint comes off the cabinets it’s because I washed it off. Hope you can sleep better tonight knowing that they’ve been dealt with. Never again…
Haha, thanks Lori!