Groland came home with a mission

Groland sat down in the kitchen. Once there, he stayed in his box for weeks. (And – girls – Groland is heavy. If Groland sits down somewhere and there’s no stronger set of muscles around…. he’s staying there).

Before lifelong adoption he needed to earn a boy scout badge in waterproofness and morph from birch to black (as per our bathroom design plan). After buying the vinyl floor tiles, we’d played a reasonably painful game of eenie-meenie and had chosen some wood stain in classic black. And that was that for ages – Groland in box-form, wood stain floating around somewhere in a Home Depot bag.

Then, one day, Paolo started destroying the bathroom sink. Just like that! Crash bang wallop. I was not going to hold up the bowling ball’s exit – so I figured I’d better get to work with Groland. Suspecting it would stink, I wanted new, dark and handsome Groland to live outside as long as possible to “de-smell”.

It’s time for a few small repairs she said 

After painting Bekvam and all its stupid, tiny slats, Groland’s lower shelf had me worried. The trellis from hell. I really didn’t want to stick my head underneath dripping wood stain. No, Groland would be transformed in infancy – before meeting a single allen key. Besides, as his future home was a bathroom, maybe it made sense to seal every nook and cranny?

Dry is good and wind is better

We’d bought a pot of Minwax called Polyshades – both stain and sealant at once. If I had to do one then the other, well, Groland would live life just as naked as the stained-not-sealed potting bench outside. Polyshades stinks. It’s really awful. Paint in the morning and come back later that afternoon and it still hits your throat. I’m a wimp – but never happier to have a balcony.

(While on the subject of Polyshades Classic Black -  when dried & finished it’s the exact colour and shininess of a can of Rock Creek Cider. Identical).

My staining method was slightly clever and slightly stupid all at once: I propped every piece on chocks, did three sides – waited hours for them to dry – and then flipped it over to do the fourth side. After not very long I lost track of which sides had which number of coats… but Groland loved any attention. (Moving when wet – also ill-advised).

The Polyshades can instructs to use only a tiny amount — and if a company is going to demand that you use less of their product, there’s probably good reason.

Days go by I’m hypnotized

Over the weekend, I added more and more coats – stopping at three. I then dragged Groland and all his limbs back inside to build him… and really didn’t like the finished product. It looked dirty. Horrible!

Groland, get outside.

Ta daaaa. A fourth coat did the trick. Water beads on the surface perfectly. Once finished, I left him outside for over a week. Newfound patience? Na – summer sun put Groland way down my list of loves. Regardless, a week’s drying time totally took care of the noxious smell and meant Groland was ready to move into the bathroom… that hadn’t yet been started. Groland came home… (and we’re sure he’ll be best friends with the kitchen’s Ikea butcher block).

(Reacquaint yourself with Canada’s ugliest bathroom in its “before phase”, and be sure to subscribe to catch the “new and improved” final result).

###

And for the real deal….(’90s music to stain & seal by? Can’t beat it).